Thursday, April 17, 2014

And a Happy Easter to you

just a quick catch up, I see on my little visitor counter thingy that people are stopping by every now and then which is great.  Thank you! I appreciate the visits and wonder why on Earth you might find me at all interesting.  Whatever the reason, I'll take it :)

Things for the most part are good at the moment.  Aside from a slight hiccup which I'm chalking up to an episode of PMT.  My antidepressants still can't completely take away the craziness that winds me up at "that time of the month".  Sorry, it sounds a bit crude.  I'm amazed at how my body can turn me into a ticking time bomb just by altering a little chemistry.  I will admit the PMT isn't as bad as before, or maybe I'm handling it better? I really don't know but it is better than the pre-antidepressant me.  Everything I used to go through is far more subdued, still there but not nearly as bad.

OK so good things going on for me...

I have lost a little weight.  Yay! I needed to, really I did.  And I will be happy to lose more but slowly.  Right now I'm averaging about 1kg a month.  I tried low calorie shakes and they got me kick started but with my work hours the way they are and family and the fact that I love food made it tricky to keep going like that.  So now I'm just cutting back and thinking about what I'm eating more seriously.  It's working for me and Hubby.

Work is good, the bully is still there but I'm not being affected as I'm in a different section and have been putting all of my training into practice now.  It is challenging but I'm doing ok.

Last weekend I finished the second draft of my book.  I'm starting to wonder if it's not long enough but I felt like I had to finish on a high exciting note that would lead into the next in the series otherwise it was going to be a really long story.  I've sent it to a couple of trusted friends to get their feedback and then I guess it's onto the third draft.  Some days I look at what I've done and think yeah this isn't bad at all then other days I find myself thinking what an amateurish piece of crap.  I hope one day it might be ready to stick on Amazon but I don't know.  It's been fun to write in any case.

So this weekend is Easter.  I love Easter!  More so for the food than anything else.  Chocolate for breakfast! ;)  Good Friday falls on my wedding anniversary this year, most restaurants etc will be closed for the day which is a bummer but Hubby is cooking me a special dinner.  He's a great cook but doesn't cook often anymore.  We have no real plan other than that for the day, the kids are going to their grandparents for the night so we will be free to do whatever we like.  Even if it is just veg out on the couch and catch up on movies.

The rest of the weekend will be spent with family and friends and should be lovely.

Then in a months time, Hubby and I are going to Bali for a grown up holiday.  It's kind of for my 40th birthday.  We've picked out some lovely restaurants and day spas to go to and have booked a private villa to stay in so we can relax by the pool without having to share with anyone else.  This time around I hope to post while I'm over there, even if it's just photos to keep you up to date and show you how nice it is.

And that's me for now, hope the Easter Bunny leaves you a treat x o

Friday, March 21, 2014

keep on truckin'

so, I have continued to go to work and am pleased to say things are bearable for me at the moment.  My boss asked if I was ready to do some training to give me more skills and therefore can work in different areas as need be and I agreed maybe it was time.

So off I went into the city to the training school.  It meant my kids had to stay over at their Grandparents for much of the week.  I didn't want to put them in before school day care by 6:30am every morning and then pick them up late in the day as well.  I am very lucky the grandies are so helpful in that respect. 

The training was overwhelming, so much information to take in and I put a lot of pressure on myself to get it right the first time.  I made the mistake of trying to keep up with the other student in the class, she was straight out of uni and could speed read while absorbing everything and finished everything way before I did.  By the third day, I'd had a little cry in the car before I got there.  My hubby was driving me in every morning which was great, I was a bundle of nerves and wouldn't have coped well on the train.  He kept reminding me that I was being too hard on myself and I am VERY hard on myself.  Wonder Woman I am not!

But I got through and went back to work the following day, they put me on the front counter to practice my new skills and it was great.  So much easier than in the classroom.  And it kept me away from the bully. 

Before I went to training school I started to wear a uniform shirt that one of the girls had given me to try for size.  I had been putting off ordering my uniform for 4 months and felt weird wearing it for the first time but then I realised I was sending the bully a message that I wasn't going anywhere.  That motivated me enough to put my order in and I should have that next week.

So the bully herself doesn't seem to have changed except that the focus isn't solely on me now.  She will not acknowledge me even if we are working side by side, she is aggressive and grumbly to everyone now and though that is not good, I can handle that much better.

The workplace is not the lovely place it once was but I have decided I am not giving in and am NOT giving up my lovely little job because of one person.

In other news, I am almost finished the first draft of my book.  I finally got to a point where I think it can end and then begin again in another volume.  There is a little more I have to add to it, stuff that brings the theme of it together better and more completely.  Then I guess I will run through it for touch ups and hopefully get some people to read it for feedback.  It's pretty exciting and daunting to be this much closer to showing my work to other people.  Only one friend has read any of it so far and she has been great at giving valuable feedback.  Will let you know how it all goes.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Situation update

Time for an update after my meeting with my managers.

I would like to say it went wonderfully and I walked out full of confidence that action would be taken to stop the bullying.  The thing is it didn't quite play out like that.

Maybe I was expecting more than what could actually be done? To be honest I didn't really know what could be done but I walked out with the feeling that the staffer was essentially going to get away with it.

There is more grey to the picture that I though was black and white and the person's behaviour is not so bad that they cross the line.  They remain on the pain in the arse category.

However the person was pulled aside and spoken to that day.  They had the cheek to ask to go home early that day because they were so upset.  The day was uncomfortable and I just put me head down and worked.

The next day, my plan was to do the same.  I had tasks to do that took me away from stuff we all do together and we had more than enough staff so I got on with it.  That didn't stop the person from making snippy comments all day. Some I think weren't meant for me to hear but I did.

I wrote it all down and told manager who advised me to keep a record and don't bite back.
Then on my last day of the working week I went in wearing a uniform shirt that another colleague had given me,  I have been slack in organising my uniform order and she hoped that the shirt might give me an idea of sizing and I would pull my finger out and do it.

I was glad I did wear it (even though it was a little big), once I got to work it made me feel a real part of the centre and like I was showing the bully that I have no intention of going anywhere.  Then my manager told me she had a training day set up for me to learn more of the front office stuff.  They want multi-skilled staff and after all the crap I've been dealing with I figure the change would be healthy for me.  I will still do what I do now but when the office needs me to, I can fill in for other staff members. 

Now that meant that my manager wanted me to get as much exposure to the front office computer as possible before then so I asked if she could let the people I work closely with know so there was no confusion as to why I'm not out there with them.  Guess that peeved the bully off no end, they huffed about.  Apparently they were angry at everyone and everyone was doing everything wrong.

So the focus was off me and that was a huge relief.  It doesn't solve the problem, now the aggression is being transferred to all the staff but I find myself coping a lot better.

I will just keeping doing what I'm doing, head down and work.  It's all I can do I guess.

Will let you know how things pan out from here.  Thanks for listening x o

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

D Day

ok so things have gone from bad to worse for me at work.  Last Wednesday my anxiety was at an all time high, I felt nauseous the whole time I was there and I couldn't think straight.  I looked for every task under the sun to get me away from my nasty colleague.

Thursday, I physically couldn't bring myself to go into work.  I made a doctor's appointment and rang my boss.  I felt horribly guilty as I knew I was leaving them short staffed.  My boss understood and we've organised to meet with the big boss today.  My doctor agreed this was the right thing to do, I'm only causing myself further damage by trying to work through it by myself.

So that's where I'm at, I'm trying hard not to work myself up into knots before I go and I'm failing miserably.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I have the sinking feeling that there's going to be more stress before this improves.

Cross your fingers and toes for me.  I need all the good vibes and positivity I can get x o

Thursday, February 20, 2014

i spoke too soon

silly me.

I wrote my post and headed off to work only to have the WORST day possible, seriously. I cried at work much to my embarrassment.

Same problem, co-worker seems to be targeting me.  This time over something that I used my best judgement in as opposed to following the usual protocol (and was backed up by my manager).  The co-worker let me have it even though they have no authority over me, in fact I have been in this particular role longer than they have. Mind you, I don't consider that I am the boss.  That's not me.  I have no intention or aspirations to become any sort of a leader in my workplace.

To be honest, now I don't want to go into work but I'm forcing myself.  The manager knows what's going on and is taking steps to help but in the meantime I am working myself up into a state about it.  When I look back at yesterday, I was already upset before I even got into work by the co-worker's previous actions... I barely remember the drive to work, I was so pre-occupied. 

There is always an undercurrent of animosity.  It's just awful.

Wish me luck for today, once I get through today then I am not back at work until next Tuesday, which will be a relief and hopefully give me time to regroup a little and work time to sort this person out. (Though that's what I told myself last week too :/ )

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

mostly positive

for the most part things are still going well for me, I've really gotten stuck into writing again... with the winter olympics on it is the perfect opportunity to disappear while Hubby watches the sport. And I'm hoping to get the first part of it finished this year.  W00T!!!

School routines etc are all back and running reasonably smoothly. Yay!


My lovely little job has not been so lovely in recent weeks.  One particular person has been making it difficult for me, my manager is aware of it... the initial issue has been resolved.  It was made clear that what I was doing was correct and the other person needed to butt out but their animosity towards me still remains.

I liked this person until they started to prevent me from doing my job correctly.  As a human being they are one of the good ones.  Why they are acting like this, I have no idea but it affects me, not in my ability to do my work but how I feel.

The pain I feel in my shoulder I experience when I'm anxious has returned and I spend a lot of time trying to avoid contact with this person... which is virtually impossible when we are work the same area.

But I'm trying hard and recognise that my feelings of depression and anxiety returning are part this silly issue and part hormonal.  So hopefully once the hormonal part has subsided, the rest will be easier to deal with and fingers crossed with time, work will return to being lovely again.

thanks for listening x

Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm here and I'm OK :)

In case you were wondering, I'm still about.

I survived Christmas and New Years, in fact they turned out to be rather lovely.  I turned 40 last month and celebrated with a 1920s / Great Gatsby themed party. 

It was rather overwhelming, not because I'm you know... eeep!  40!  But because I got a real sense that so many people were there solely for me!  I was amazed and humbled and I still ask myself did that actually happen?  Am I really special enough?

My depression has settled a great deal,  still have difficult moments but nothing as crippling as before.  I asked my doctor what was the next step for me and he said maybe in 6 weeks or so we could look at reducing my dose.  This made me really excited but also a tad scared, as much as I want to get off them I'm afraid of going backwards.  I guess it's all a bit "wait and see" at the moment and I can do that.

I had dinner with a friend the other night who asked about what 2014 held in store for me.  "Work, my book, another holiday to Bali," I replied, not really following her.

"No, I mean what about you," she said, "I talked to a lot of people at your party and you are surrounded by people who are depressed."

I guess I am, a lot of crappy things have or are happening to people close to me.  Not a lot I can do about it except support them as best I can.

"You need to surround yourself with happiness," my friend insisted.

And I guess I do,  I need to be kinder to myself and create happy moments for myself and my family.  So if I were to make a New Years resolution, which is something I'm not really into, it would be that.

I'll report back later x o