Tuesday, March 17, 2015

a slight hitch

well, I've outdone myself this time.  I had thought that I'd pulled myself together and was getting stuck into packing and organising for our move and the unthinkable happened

I managed to dislocate my kneecap... I managed to dislocate my knee cap while packing.

It sucks big time, I'm in a splint (still) and am pretty useless when it comes to moving house.  My hubby and MIL have pretty much done it all themselves.  They are completely and utterly knackered but it's done now Thank God!

I don't know the full extent of damage I've done to my knee... I see a surgeon this week and I assume scans etc will be done and then we know what needs to be done.  What I do know is that, after 2 weeks my knee has not improved much which makes me worry about what's going on inside.

Not that worrying is of any use, I just feel bad that I'm not able to do what I need to do right now for my family.  I also feel bad about missing so much work too, finances are always a concern but never more so when you're about to take on a bigger mortgage.

A sensible little voice inside me reminds me that everything will turn out fine.  No matter what happens, we will be fine.... we might be eating beans on toast 3 times a week for dinner but we will be fine!

I know this and believe it but I am a worrier from way back.  I shall worry whether I need to or not!

So now that I'm unable to do much... I have a lot of time on my hands... it's not been put to good use yet but I'm hoping to get back into my book... I have in the back of my mind that I want it finished this year.  Time to push myself I guess.

Anyway, I will get back to you soon with how it's going.

Hope you're well, thanks for checking in :)

Monday, February 16, 2015

fed up

I can't bring myself to pack anything

I'm fed up with house hunting

I'm wondering why we aren't just staying put in our teeny tiny house... oh yeah that would be why, it's teeny in the extreme.

the property market here is very slow, house prices are slumped which is good for buyers but sellers if they're smart are hanging onto their property.  There's not a lot out there to choose from.

I feel pressure from all sides to "just pick one".   My MIL is now talking about sacrificing some of the things on my "must have" list... I don't see why I should when it's my money I'm spending.  I don't think I'm being overly fussy. I just know that if I sacrifice some of the big deal things, for example a decent kitchen or patio, we won't have the money to put it in later... we'd be better off waiting to find the right house that ticks all our boxes.

If we don't find something soon we will have to rent until the right thing comes along.  I don't want to but bunking in with the oldies is not an option for anyone's sanity.

The search continues...

Monday, February 9, 2015

Grief and Validation

I'm posting here because in real life, the people around me are sick of hearing it.

Much of the weekend was spent crying for me... the stress of selling, packing and looking for a new home is huge.  Something I knew wouldn't be easy but I hadn't expected it to be this tough either.

Last week we actually thought we'd found a place, it wasn't in the suburb I wanted but the house was good.  It ticked a lot of boxes for us and I even managed to convince my husband that it was a good place for us.  In truth I could see us living there, until...

We signed on the dotted line and I felt my heart just lurch.  My gut screamed that something wasn't right.  After a sleepless night and stress filled day the next day, I worked it out... the bottom line was I didn't want to move that much further away from where we are now.

So I hoped with everything I had the sellers wouldn't accept our offer... they did.  BUMMER, however...

They belatedly disclosed some details about the place to their agent that would have made a difference to our decision...  so we were allowed to rescind our offer.

I cried I was so relieved and yet, it put us back to square one.

We're still looking, there's not much out there that suits us at the moment.  We have to wait, we knew that but it isn't easy.

I have a sense of not belonging anywhere now, our little home is no longer home anymore and we have nowhere to look forward to moving to yet.  It will come, I know it will but right now I'm grieving the loss of our first home, it isn't much... it really isn't.  It's small and poky and badly needs a face-lift  but we spent 12 years here and it wasn't much but it was still our home.

The lack of feeling secure, not knowing what our next step will be is killing me.  I need that to keep my head above water.  Not coping makes life harder than it has to be.  It sucks big time.

Working out that I was, in fact, grieving has been a small step in the right direction.  I'm a talker about feelings,  however I've been talking and I'm not feeling heard.  I'm being told to be patient and the right house will come and I KNOW IT WILL FFS!!!! but being given the brush off and not validating my feelings is more upsetting than helpful.

So there, I've got it off my chest... that has helped somewhat.  Thanks xo

The search continues...

Monday, February 2, 2015

When did February happen?

oh man! it's been a while.

lots has happened.

we spent much of the lead up to christmas prepping our house for sale.  at one point it seemed like it would never be ready, it was so damned frustrating and stressful.

but we got there and our house was listed just over 2 weeks ago and just yesterday we accepted an offer!

now we have to find a place we like... we want to stay in our same area and there's not a lot that we like right now.  we're trying hard not to get caught up in rushing into finding a place, it's a big investment and the house we choose has to be perfect for our needs.  

anyway, the search continues...

what else?

well the house stuff has been almost all consuming and then it's been the summer school holidays so if I've not been at work I've been trying to keep my little peeps busy.  not an easy task, especially since I don't have a money tree out in the backyard.

but we survived,  sanity almost intact and they returned to school today.  i was clicking my heels together (figuratively speaking) all the way home after dropping them off in the morning.

I've been reading a lot, mainly erotic romance and I've got a list of to be read books a mile long.  Really looking forward to reading Seducing Destiny by Amelia Hutchins and the final 2 books in the Gypsy Brothers series and End Game by Kate McCarthy.  They're all sitting on my Kindle just waiting to get started :)

Oh and finally.... FINALLY!!!!!  I returned to my own book... the poor thing it's been neglected for a good 2 months.  I would love to say that 2015 is the year it is finished but I don't like to make resolutions and I rarely keep them.  Guess I will be happy if I can work on it on a regular basis and shape it into something I can feel proud of.

OK well that's enough of a catch up for today... thanks for popping by every now and then to see if I've updated... I notice and I appreciate it, I really do.

*kiss kiss*

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

passing through

another quick one to touch base

getting our house ready for sale is more than I can cope with... not just right now but ever.  at least that's how it feels today.  the task seems so huge and overwhelming and I crumble at the thought rather than take things on one job at a time like I know I should.

we've had some help, which we're eternally grateful for and still the job seems so big.

if I had the dollars I'd get professionals in to sort it out for me, seriously I am no good at this type of thing.

Christmas is not the time of year to be taking on this sort of crazy,  what were we thinking????


Monday, December 1, 2014

a bad day

having a rotten day today peeps, feeling really down and overwhelmed and basically crap

went grocery shopping and bought an insane amount of comfort food... I knew I was doing it and that I shouldn't but I did it anyway.

Gah! I hate days like today :(

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I hate coming up with blog post titles

Ah so last we met, I was cranky with the fam and I'm happy to report that things have improved.  It boiled down to me having to create a list of chores I expected other people other than myself to do in the house.

It's not completely fool proof, I do have to get used to them doing things in their own time rather than mine.  But for the most part things are getting done.

Other things have been happening too.... exciting things!

Hubby and I have finally decided it's time to move.  We need a bigger place, somewhere we can settle down, the kids can grow up into teens and I imagine still live with us for a time as young adults.  I'm ok with this, I think it's naive to think they will move out at age 18 like I pretty much did to go to uni.  Life was tough, trying to juggle studying and living independently. I was often a tad jealous of other students who lived at home still and were basically "looked after" so all they had to worry about was their studies. I want better for my kids.

Anyway, seeing a beautiful house got the ball rolling for us.  We missed out on that house but it's got us moving in the right direction.  We have the option of buying an established house or building (there is a lovely new estate in our suburb), still not sure what we'll do yet.

And we've made a move on fixing all the little things around our place... makes me wonder why the hell did we leave them so long.  The perils of "making do" and procrastination.

So it won't all happen overnight... technically even now I should be doing "house stuff" not fiddling about on the computer but hey, I run on Shish time.

What else?  Well, work is up and down.  They're trialing a new roster which works better for me as of next week.  I hope they keep it.  The bully was civil to me yesterday, she wasn't going to speak to me but since the person she was waiting for was busy, I asked if she needed help and turns out I could help her so I did.  Not really a big deal but it's progress.  I don't want to be her friend or anything but I'm just sick of being in the same centre and feeling like we can't be professional when our paths cross (which is rare now but still.)

We have another staff member who also causes a bit of grief.  He's a good guy, but when it comes to work, he doesn't have the same work ethic as the rest of us so it grates on everyone's nerves.  The more senior staff get cranky because they have to stay on his case and that ruins the whole mood for the office.  I'm fed up too, more so because of the effect it's had on our team's moral.  I feel bad, he's a cool guy. Outside of work, it would be a different story but he's not someone I want to work with.

I guess it's because things are revving up at work because of Christmas that it feels worse than ever now.  We're all tired, the pressure is on and we can't pick up the slack of one team member who is still goofing around.

OK enough of work.  I try not to think about it too much when I'm not there... (except for now when I'm telling you LOL)

I seem to be going ok off my meds but I can't tell you for sure if I'm doing well.  I don't have the huge anxiety I had before so that's good.  But I have my moments where I'm irritable... but who isn't at times right?  Like I said in my last post, I felt like I was being treated like a doormat but the meds were keeping me calm (maybe too calm) so nothing was being changed.  I'm more motivated now ( a good thing) but in order to get things done, I need to kick a few butts sometimes.  My kids are not impressed as I'm on their cases more but they've had it so easy for so long!

Again this time of year plays a huge role in how I (and everyone else) feels.  Guess we all need to just push through until we reach the other side.

Having said that, hayfever has made me her bitch.  This time of year here in Perth is awful for it.  The wildflowers are out in force, the weather has been humid and muggy and then windy.  All of which messes with my sinuses.  I went to my doc yesterday because I haven't felt "well" for a while now but not sick enough to take time off work.  It's worrying, I'm terrible for imagining all sorts of awful things that might be wrong.  He's given me some stuff to help with my hayfever and taken a blood test for thyroid... we'll see what that has to say.  Maybe I just want to be the one to be looked after by someone else for a change? Being fussed over a little would be nice every now and then, I don't think that's being terribly selfish... right?  Ha!

With all this other stuff happening, I've done little to no writing of my own, nor have I done any beta-reading.  Not enough hours in the day nor enough energy in this little body I'm afraid.  My mind has just not been in the right space and I hate that. I hate not being able to be "creative me" for whatever reason.

Shall try to find more balance in what I do... maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution  but bring it forward... why procrastinate till January right?

LOL I crack myself up.  I suck at resolutions.

Well if you got this far with my post, well done and thankyou.  Have just read it back and thought WTF? myself. Love ya & Bye x